the waitress at milliways (fenchurchly) wrote,
the waitress at milliways

Princess Peach is a Cockteasing Bitch

Nerdiest Best article on the Mario World ever.

Excerpt below from Sympathy for the Bowser.


The vast majority of the Mario games, told from the perspective of Princess Peach and her political affiliates, would have the average gamer believe that Bowser is some sort of insurgent who wishes to wrongfully dethrone Peach and turn the entire Mushroom Kingdom into a fascist state. If you actually look at the evidence, however, the exact opposite seems to be true.

First, let’s look at political titles: Bowser is a king, where Peach is but a princess. Assuming they both earned their titles legally and within the same representational government (which they almost certainly did), there is literally no way Bowser could achieve the title of “king” without either having been elected to that post, or having earned it through birthright...

If Bowser can be blamed for anything, it’s not his maliciousness (of which there is practically none) so much as his naïveté when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex -- Peach, specifically.

I used to think Peach was just stupid. In an older article, I said I’d never have sex with her because even after years and years of getting kidnapped by Bowser, she seemed to never have the intelligence to install any sort of security features within her castle, or even make any attempt whatsoever to prevent Bowser from frequently abducting her.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Peach isn’t stupid: she’s a brilliant, two-faced, evil, manipulative, blue-balls-giving bitch. She knows the only way to keep the proletariat on her side in the civil war is by constantly playing the part of the victim; as mentioned earlier, Bowser’s army obviously outnumbers Peach’s numerically, and so it is to her advantage to keep public sympathy on her side. She does this in two main ways. Firstly, she gets Bowser to frequently kidnap her; secondly, she gets Mario to save her.

Peach, like so many femme fatales, knows full well how enamored Bowser is with her, and the lengths to which he would go to win her love. She also knows how to properly exploit that adoration. She leaves the gates to her castle wide open, she keeps her palace guards totally unarmed, and generally uses innuendo and reverse psychology to trick Bowser into kidnapping her, time and time again. And why? So she can sic Mario on him, who, similarly cockteased through decades of false or underwhelming promises (“Rescue me and I’ll bake you a cake?” A CAKE? Bitch, I didn’t fight my way through twenty worlds full of armed guards and spikes and fire just for goddamned baked goods), rushes off to save her like a conditioned automaton. In saving Peach, Mario serves as an iconic hero for Peach’s troops, thus strengthening her army’s morale and keeping her in the political fight."

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